just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
