Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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