matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
