If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
