i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
