He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
