Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
