my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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