: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
