Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
