ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
