Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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