how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
