So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
