I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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