at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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