That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
