By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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