I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
