He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
