he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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