I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
