there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
