Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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