I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
