nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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