The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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