We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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