My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Green mimosas i think yes
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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