i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize