i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
