What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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