just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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