Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
