Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
