also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
