I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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