that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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