went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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