I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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