dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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