dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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