You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
