I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
