We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
