ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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