You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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