my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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