A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
