So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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