The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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