what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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