i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
