im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
