Whats the glycemic index on semen?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
