If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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