Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
